I was still with Marc. I was looking at red stipples on his back he was white almost blue. I had different hair, straight, bob-cut. I was in pajamas. Leaving down a long hallway with lots of sun and I suddenly passed out I remember the view from the floor.
Staring up in my delirium I kept mumbling “rebuild, rebuild, rebuild”
I think i meant books.
The thing that made all this so sad was I was looking at him and I knew I didn’t love him and I wanted desperately to know where Michael was.. but I knew he did not exist here, in this time.
I wonder if this is the “me” in an alternate reality? One where I stayed with Marc, where I had his children. Where i was desperately unhappy...
?
I will say this about this reality. Life here is impossibly good. It just gets dull at times but it is a dulness one can love. at least, I can. But I know i shouldn’t kid myself. there will come a time when i will need a jolt. i’ll try not to burn down any forests.