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Trail: 2004-11-04

i thought i would never write here again but, here goes. i’m gonna pour it out.

dear european friends,

i am not speaking specifically to you. but possibly to you. just. I am not responsible for the american election. It is not my fault and I have no way of explaining it. I cannot say why it happened nor give you any insight. I have not lived in the .us for almost 6 years. Don’t blame me. But still I apologize for some reason whenever somebody brings it up. This whole thing about not being able to choose your nationality is just too sad. Black americans have it hard. you have noplace else, you can’t just up and say ah, i’m african, that’s bullshit. you’re just american. you don’t know where your ancestors are really from. you’re just from over there, like it... or not.

But anyway, tonight, I bring this up because I took a journey into deep Belgium. some klein dorpje called Waardamme. To go see at a locale zaaltje onze favorite musikanten en gooie vrienden Eva and Gerry. Amai, Gerry kan guitar heel mooi speelen. mijn lievelings liedje van de nacht (i’m paraphrasing-and misspelling).

Halfweeg op de trap is de plaats waar ik zit
Ik ken nog nooit iets dat net zo prettig zit als dit
Ik zit niet beneden, Ik zit niet op de top
dus sit is de tred waar ik altijd stop

its always the simple songs i like the best
but it was an interesting experience being in such a place, on such a night. It made me realize that there are certain things I can only appreciate because they happen to me here. No way I would have been able to appreciate such half-folk guitaur and voice music in a kitsch hall in the middle of nowhere if it had been in the .us... nono there is definitely something special happening to me here.

Let me say it like this. Er is iets. Something unplaceable.
since i spent so long locked indoors after my operation now we are going out alot. to dance and music events.
saw Rosas here in Gent last week, the performance was interesting political commentary in bourgeois format. the experience of being in a theater and watching a dance performance is one i will always hold dear. it is a tense atmosphere almost oppressive waiting for the action to unfold. dancers bodies are so beatiful, so graceful and the Rosas performances are so very physical, raw, sexual. this performance was called “Kassandra: speaking with the twelve voices” a sort of parody/political commentary. I don’t think i will ever think of Apollo in quite the same way again. and poor Cassandra herself blessed by him wiht the gift of prophecy but cursed that no one would ever believe her. I was an apropos metaphor for current world affairs to speak of the fall of Troy and also with the big hollywood movie out, a funny weerspiegeling. gonna go to their Mozart Arias performance next week in Brussels. But my point is that I do these things here. it’s funny.
Eva and Gerry did an interpretation of a Jacque Brel song tonight (Les Coeurs Tendres). It was the first time I understood the words. I almost cried because i have heard this song a million times in french and thought it was beautiful but this was the first time i could really know what the words meant, and it was because they sung it in flemish... i don’t know, voor mij is it iets zo raar. something totally mindblowing, confusing. if only you knew where i have been, you would understand. i. can’t explain. it. and that my friends, is life.

but being in the ladies room in waardamme.... going up to the bar and ordering another drink.... i think sometimes that i left nyc because there i didn’t feel enough like a freak. seriously, i think i only feel comfortable when i am the biggest freak around. I gotta go to some town where i am the only one. where i stand out. am i that hungry for feeling special? i wonder. hmmm....

Auriea 2004-11-08 09:44 UTC