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Trail: consolidation

consolidation

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there is a sort of madness that comes over me. i know it. i can feel it. every. time. i need to feel alive in the wires once more. but this time, do it right. i need consolidation. it is not a rational thing. it is to feel the Empire as one whole. something I can look out and see. like standing at the threshold of a castle.... on a hill..... and you look out and everything is yours. not only that but you are responsible. for the animals for the trees. to know that there is always a place to return to. something i can control. not so scattered... but all the present and the past and the future (never ages) where pages are created at a whim and fulfill my needs. i have this already but its all scattered, all scattered, i need consolidation. to feel in control. to know that i am not losing it. to know that i can feel secure. maybe this is why i have not and michael has not, because i have not. what is holding me together anymore? i have been drawing but i’ve not been communicating. its like old times when i would write things down only for myself... only now i am afraid to do even that. there are so many outlets here yet i hold everything inside. i want to explode. i want to explode. all over everyone and everything. i want to type out every thought. i want to be the speed of light. white hot. bright. i want to not be afraid of communication. i know that part of it is simply too many people saying too many things but what are they saying and i don’t want to be like that. but i am not even sure i ever could be. i am special. i know what i am doing. and i can control it. it is mine. i build my own place. i can build my own place to be in. and it can be a calm and warm place. i can fill it with me. and go there and know myself. this is not a mutiny it is a homecoming. it is the internet i have always known and has always been something i have built. it never left me, i left it. and what is it with all this coming and going and leaving and returning? i left home, my father left me. i left marc. michael thinks i leave him. and the secrecy? what have i to hide. i need to hide nothing. to have no DarkSecrets to not burrow down in the mud or live in a cave. but to build - in the open- the things that fill people with wonder. no hiding, no secrecy, no waiting, no permanence. just light and electricity. DATA. life. me.